raindrop ripples.

today was the first time since getting back that i missed having a core group of friends.

things were so much simpler with a "gang"... if any of us wanted to go out, he/she knew exactly who to ask along. when we did go out, we formed the nucleus, and everyone else was on the circumference. there were inside jokes, nuances, memories that only we had access to. i knew what to expect from each, and i knew what was expected of myself.

tonight there was no core. there weren't any outsiders that needed to be included, because each of us was, in one way or another, an outsider.

i've grown to accept that the core group i had in malaysia is no more - we're all still friends, but it will never be the same. i've also come to accept that i cannot and should not remain attached to my core group in the states. i also know that having a core sometimes limits you, and that not having a core is an opportunity to broaden networks and step outside one's comfort zone. the fact that i had/have two cores reminds me that things are only going to get more complicated and more peripheral from here on out. or rather from two years ago on out, in my case.

but yeah, tonight i missed being part of a core.

"namun, takkan mudah bagiku
meninggalkan jejak hidupmu
yang t'lah terukir abadi
sebagai kenangan yang terindah."

- kenangan terindah, samsons.

the blitzkrieg bop.

it's been a great holiday so far. a "real" one, you know, one that doesn't involve long to-do lists and constant productivity, but does involve an enjoyable level of activity, friends and family, books, naps and movies. but it was never going to last forever, and although i have about two weeks left of this "real" holiday (before most people leave!) i already feel the pressure of figuring out what to do with myself for the next two months or so. every time i'm bored at home i freak out because there's this phobia of being "trapped". it's funny, i thought i would've gotten better at the whole stay-at-home alone thing after all that practice being an antisocial nerd in eugene... but maybe that's where the fear stems from, no?

and then there's sorting out cambridge - i found out i got accepted into girton college (yay! =D), but i still haven't heard from the cambridge trusts about scholarships. most of what i've read online has only confused me and/or made me even more nervous - some people say that scholarships continue to be awarded through september, some say all the full scholarships have been awarded, some say we will find out by the end of july, some say that if we are successful we will hear through email and that if we aren't we will be notified through snail mail - which could take ages to get here! it's a lot of money, and i really want(ed) to do this post-grad thing on my own... in fact, i remember saying that if i didn't get a scholarship i wouldn't go. but... gah! of course, there are other sources of funding that i should and will look into, but it's a tedious process that i've started but have been skirting.

i'm also supposed to take the toefl again, which i find pretty ridiculous because i graduated from an english-speaking institution, i've taken it before (but the score has since expired), i have valid sat and gre scores, and i'm technically a native english speaker! i emailed them about it a while ago but haven't gotten a reply, and today i realized that the deadline for meeting my conditions is july 31st, and then i found that the soonest i can take the toefl here is july 25th. scores don't come out til like two weeks later! so. i'm gonna have to call them... and hopefully either get out of taking the test, or get them to allow me to send in the scores late. any other outcome would really, really, really suck.

BUT. i'm just feeling overwhelmed today... or rather, tonight. i just need to get out of passive holiday mode and act, and i'm sure things will fall into place, one way or another. at any rate, i think i'm done with the lazing for a bit... hey! ho! let's go!

"just when you think you're in control
just when you think you've got a hold
just when you get on a roll

here it goes, here it goes, here goes again
oh here it goes again
i should have known, should have known, should have known again
but here it goes again
oh here it goes again."

- here it goes again, okgo.

baggage.

since i've been home, i've run around ss18 with anthea, had chicken/char siew rice, met up with mel and ying, yum cha-ed, been to a bar/club, had pork noodles, cut my hair, gotten a new phone number (using my first ever phone!), had a home-cooked meal (which included prawn sambal... mm.),had chee cheong fun, been to the market, driven a car, played the guitar and sang (or at least tried to) with anthea, attended the prefects' reunion, been "surprised" by dav (=P), been to church, met up with my dad's side of the family, cooked a pretty elaborate father's day dinner with anthea and sam, my cousin, and mamaked with jiat, ben nett, yih ren, mav and dav.

it always amazes me how it feels like i've always been home when i get back, and how with most people it feels like we didn't just spend nine months or more apart. most. but i was prepared for some emotional distance and guardedness, i guess.

what i haven't done is unpack. =(

"i count the steps, the distance to the time when it was me and you,
so far gone,
another face, another friend, another place, another end.
but i'll play on
and it's a winding road, and it's a long way home.

so don't wait for someone will tell you it's too late
'cause these are the best days
there's always something tomorrow
so i say let's make the best of tonight
yeah,let's make the best of tonight
here comes the rest of our lives,
the rest of our lives."

- best days, graham colton.

uprooted.

i'm gonna miss eugene and the states. more than i thought i would.

i miss it already.

time to board my flight from taipei to kl.

i wonder what malaysia has in store for me.

besides heat, haze and h1n1, that is.

commencement.

thank you vania for taking the picture! =D

gemuruh.

"bila bertalu rentak di kalbu
hasrat yang tersirat semakin kuburu
bila bergema laungan gempita
harapan bernyala nadiku berganda

gemuruh jiwa, semangat membara
dari puncak ingin ke angkasa
berkalungkan bintang berkelipan
menyerlah jauh dari yang biasa

ungkapan ini bukan sekadar bermimpi
segalanya pasti kan terbukti nanti."

- gemuruh, faizal tahir

faith and trust and pixie dust.

"think of the happiest things
it's the same as having wings
take the path that moonbeams make
if the moon is still awake
you'll see him wink his eye
you can fly, you can fly
you can fly!

up you go with a heigh and ho
to the stars beyond the blue
there's a neverland waiting for you
where all your happy dreams come true
every dream that you dream will come true

when there's a smile in your heart
there's no better time to start
think of all the joy you'll find
when you leave the world behind
and bid your cares goodbye
you can fly, you can fly
you can fly, you can fly
you can fly!"

disney makes me happy. =)
peter pan is a pretty sexist and racist cartoon though lol.

scoo be do be do!

lately, i have become increasingly aware of what is important to me, what i can tolerate, and what i can live without. i like it, but it follows that i am now more assertive. and there is a fine line between being assertive and being overbearing. and i don't like overbearing. i also don't like hypocrisy, and i don't like that i am a hypocrite myself, many times over.

isn't it amazing how we nitpick at ourselves, often so much more than others do? i was thinking about it today, and i realized how negative i am about myself - i tell myself every day that i should start doing this, stop doing that, do this more, do that less, fix this, better that... that drive for self-improvement is important, but it's so unfortunate that it is barely counterbalanced out by positive messages playing in my head about what i'm doing right. see? even that was a negative message of sorts: "stop criticizing yourself, start accepting who you are..."

it's such a challenge to find that balance between being and doing. between saying
"whatever! everyone else can think what they like of me, i'm not perfect and i never will be, i can never do everything, see everything, experience everything, so why bother? i am who i am where i am, that's fine by me. take it or leave it."

and
"i cannot let myself get complacent - i am fine the way i am, but why settle for just fine when i can be good? why settle for good when i can be better? why settle for better when i can be best? it's true that i cannot get everyone to like me, but why not try to make as many friends as i can? i know i cannot do everything, but why not do as much as i can?"

being happy with who you are is a lifelong battle, and that means being unhappy with yourself is a lifelong battle too.
yay.

"i have dreams of orca whales and owls
but i wake up in fear
you will never be my, you will never be my dear
will never be my dear, dear friend."

- hotel song, regina spektor.

mauvaise foi (bad faith):

a philosophical concept first coined by jean-paul satre to describe the phenomenon wherein one denies one's total freedom, instead choosing to behave as an inert object.

- definition taken from wikipedia as a matter of convenience.

the theory of relativity.

the fact that there are only 21 days left in may is both a stressor and a comfort.

every day that passes brings me one day closer to finding out what my path will be; every day that passes leaves me one less day as an undergraduate.

every hour that passes leaves me one less hour here in eugene with my friends, the ucf house, moss street, the annoyingly unpredictable weather, the u of o; every hour that passes brings me an hour closer to seeing my family again and to going home to the warm weather, subang jaya, yummy food, my extended family, my malaysian friends.

it's weird to think that about a year and a half ago i was a month away from leaving malaysia for what felt like a very long time, and now i'm a month away from leaving eugene for what feels like forever.

so much to do, so much to say, so much to see, so much to enjoy... so much to drink. yes? =)

time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana!